Hard Questions, Parenting and Showing Up
I hate wave pools. With a passion. But my children absolutely love them. Every time the bell dings signaling the oncoming simulated waves, they shriek excitedly and dash into the pool. I groan and begrudgingly follow them to ensure they live to see another day.
One time in particular, my husband Winston and I were both in the pool when a life-guard blew her whistle and bounded toward a struggling swimmer.
Winston came over to me and said: "Meg, I think she's unconscious." The girl was being placed on a sort of floating stretcher and she appeared knocked out cold. It was a horrible thing to witness.
Me never being the subtle one and in control of my emotions, began to tear up and pray out loud. My young girls noticed my fear and then proceeded to ask multiple questions. "Mom, is she going to die? Where are her parents? How old is she?" All of which I had no answer.
After the wave pool had been cleared, and it seemed the rescue efforts were under way, my family decided to visit another area of the water park. As we began to walk away, I overheard a mom who was also being badgered with questions regarding the situation. This mom, totally exasperated, screamed at her kids and scolded them for asking so many questions. She also told them they should know how she feels about questions. They know better than to ask questions. She no doubt, was also feeling some strong emotions.
This scenario often comes to mind. Because before we left the area, we caught a glimpse of the rescue scene. The girl being rescued? Was sitting in a beach chair. Completely fine. Wouldn't you know it, she was a lifeguard herself and the whole horrifying event was a drill. A drill!
Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely understand the mom's frustration over not knowing the answers. We all want to protect our children and it can be especially difficult to deal with the onslaught of questions in the midst of a possible tragedy. It has been said that moms get asked more questions in a day than the queen of England in an interview. (How did she even make it to 96? I mean, sheesh I feel dead inside by 8pm most nights)
But I really believe it's imperative to embrace the hard questions and to walk through them with our children. Even and especially when, life is difficult and we don't have all the answers.
Why? So we can impress upon them that we will not always know everything but there are facts about reality that are vital. So we can exemplify that truth is something you discover not something you determine. So they grow up and become the kind of mature people whom you can respectfully discuss and disagree with.
We hear a lot today about people and their need to be validated. And for sure, we should empathize with anyone's feelings. That's a huge portion of parenting and caring for others. Truly listening, imparting compassion, and expressing empathy. But it's also important to recognize that we can validate how a person feels but also gently guide them to decipher the best conclusions.
Knowing the truth (or simply what matches reality) is freeing and can be empowering.
Good parenting calls for both the truth and love.
Regularly embracing questions is a way to sanction for our kids the capacity to decide what is best. We want them to develop the habit of asking what is the best explanation for reality?
Author and theologian Francis Schaeffer says: Most people catch their presuppositions from their family and surrounding society the way a child catches measles. But people with more understanding realize their presuppositions should be chosen after a careful consideration of what worldview is true.
Schaeffer quotes this three decades prior to the smartphone era.
In reality deep thinking and careful consideration are hard in general and the modern smart phone culture has made it even more difficult.
I see parents obsess over car seats and organic food and elite preschools but rarely do we seem concerned with the health of our children's minds.
If we are not intentional in creating a different kind of culture then it will be far too easy for Snapchat and TikTok to raise our kids. It will be far too easy for them to assume that the best explanation of reality can always be googled. And the next generation may be more prone to just "catch" whatever worldview is easy and popular.
An article on the next Generation and their ability and desire to read questions if the future world at large will be impacted in a negative way. To quote:
They are bright, innovative, confident in their skills on all manner of digital screens and devices: This is Generation Z, many of whom have little notion that they have begun to short-circuit some of the essential cognitive and affective processes that produced the digital world they inhabit*
Meaning we needed readers to create the digital world. Reading (fiction too) leads us to real life. Trains us to think rightly. Without real life training, we will inevitably stunt our kids ability to process, consider and grow. Parents it's still our job to foster a love of learning and an inclination to think deeply.
We can't simply keep our kids busy and entertained.
Sure, we all are aware we need screens and they aren't going any where. But there may be some detrimental effects to our kids and us only learning(and living life digitally). Possibly even more consequential, could be when we allow our kiddos to spend copious amounts of time online. And they begin to assume that their relational needs are being met via the screen.
In the midst of finishing up this post, I listened as the youth pastor in my church reaffirmed that despite appearances, the next generation is wholeheartedly craving truth and real relationships.
Can we not all recognize that when we only "connect" with others behind a computer we are more disconnected and missing out?
One of the most prevalent points I ever learned about screens is not that there is a magic time allotment for us and our children. It's just that we don't want to miss out on what is worthwhile. And what is worthwhile just does not come easily. It takes intentionality.
Children are born with an innate sense to wonder. They are naturally curious. All this denotes that we can't fear or be annoyed with all the questioning. And we must face our own questions and doubts.
This may mean we enculturate ourselves first. We learn to read good books. We do more things that make us check our phones less. We take walks and lift up rocks and spend time reveling in nature. We model what it looks like for learning to be somewhat enjoyable. We create and give our kids time to create. We slow down, teach manners and the beauty of honoring another. We initiate with friends and develop meaningful in person relationships. We recognize that words matter and we use them to build others up. We regularly assess our own presuppositions and ask ourselves what is the best explanation of reality?
We do the difficult calling of placing thoughtful boundaries around screens for both our kids and ourselves. And reiterate repeatedly that the internet and social media are not real places. But there are real good arguments for God's existence and an afterlife with Him. King David says that the Lord's boundaries are good and lead to a delightful inheritance.
I truly believe a part of leading them to this delightful inheritance is reclaiming a high calling of parenting as their primary teachers. So we ask them questions and then really listen. Jesus of Nazareth in fact asked 339 questions(all of which he know the answer to!) this seemed to allow the people close to Him to see more clearly for themselves.
More importantly than embracing and asking questions, I believe it may be more essential that we are there. We show up and do life with our children. We are approachable. Admittedly, I can really struggle here. The days feel long and my kids really seem to only to want to get philosophical at the end of a hard day or any super inconvenient time.
Showing up and sacrificing is a way to glorify God and make the life of Christ a reality in your home.
Studying the life of Jesus we see that teaching is highly relational. It requires time, attention and sacrifice. A heart attitude that regularly lays aside our own wants.
One of the biggest desires I have for my kids is that when they leave my house they never question that they are loved unconditionally.
And when life is hard and we don't have all we the answers we remember we can powerfully point our kids to the One who does have all the answers.
That I believe, is our purpose not only in life but it is the highest good in raising children. To point the people around us not only to what is true and good and beautiful in real life. But Whom is good and true and beautiful.
We help them taste and see that the Lord is good. And help them understand that they are image-bearers of the King of Kings. That the best explanation of reality is that God is good and when we believe in Him and receive His gift of forgiveness, He in facts gives us the right to become His children.
Keep on doing good parents. Welcome the questions, don't fear the doubting, seek wisdom and truth, enjoy learning and becoming, cultivate in-person relationships, be intentional with conversations, spend time in nature and read good books. It can be done because if God is for us who can be against us?
Children are not a distraction from more important work, they are the most important work. -CS Lewis
John 17:3 says Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.
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